Today i can pay someone to just end my misery and kill me because i don't have it in me to do it myself. I have hit rock bottom in life and may be have more to potential to go down. Definitely feeling deeply depressed and no light can be seen at the end of tunnel. I am in so much pain and everything is killing me literally and figuratively. Tired of putting smile on my face because for every second of smile the price to pay is way too high.
Everyday Talk
Every issue about sex, love, relationships, and financial indepence in today's world.
07/28/2011
06/11/2011
Your best friend calls you and tells you he/she's really sick? How do you show you care?
Then there are days like today where i understand everything. It's fantastic to know that any woman in this world no matter how different they are want his man to be successful and in possession of valuables. This little nugget i learned in may be middle school still holds true after 15 or so odd years. It helps me let go.
06/08/2011
Need to forgive myself...
Why is it so hard to forget and forgive oneself and stop living for other people's happiness. I really need to learn how to let it go and should realize that i am fucking my life up and the dreams of people who actually love me. It's about time to grow up and realize my potential because i ain't getting another shot at my dream. I am not a religious person, but by some miracle always get a another shot at whatsoever i want. It's like someone is whispering in my ear and telling me that i am here on earth to fulfill a purpose which is bigger than any other cause. I can't run away from my destiny, but here i am trying to find reasons to blame my failures at something else.
06/06/2011
Your best friend calls you and tells you he/she's really sick? How do you show you care?
It's a new day and a new start to life, where my only concern is to make myself happier. I know it might seem selfish, but i am tired of living for other's happiness. It's about time for "PROJECT ME"...
06/05/2011
Some people lie to make it through the day.....
As long as i remember twisting the truth and more often than not bluntly lying is my hobby. I was more of an adventrous in high school and had many friends who were girls usually older than me, but no girlfriends. I was proud of that you know, when other fellow classmates were crying about thier girl problems i was out and about enjoying my life. Then came college and where else the city of angels Los Angeles, where i lied to my bones to get laid with a girl and must admit it worked like magic. Even in college i had some female freinds, but no girlfriends and i never called any girl again after having sex with them. I will say anything over dinner and drinks to get laid and these girls knew where i was going with it. I never called them again, rather than emotionally messing with them and making them believe we are perfect couples. My ventures with girls never went over a few dates and as soon as we got physical that was it for me. I can sincerely say never intentionally broke a woman's heart, as i am too much of a loyalist and would never ever cheat. I guess that's why never had a relationship because i wouldn't want anyone to cheat on me either. Relationships are too much work and commitment.
Then i graduated college and moved to san francisco and started a post- bacculerate program. The second day of classes, i still remember the date January 27, 2010 when i met Alia. As we were both an hour early to class, it all began there. I started my lies and told her i was taking classes part time and work full time as investment banker. It was a lie that i only told my few friends who knew me very well and knew that i can say anything to get laid. She was this sweet girl of arabic origin and as i got to know her, and betrayal by exboyfriend suddenly my human side came out. It was uncanny as i have been ruthless always and never had bad intentions for this girl, but the lies went out of hand. I still wanted her to love me, the way she loved her ex and even more passionately. I just didn't want to sleep with her, one day as it happened we kissed and i felt something. Till this day i know what i felt. I didn't call her the next day and that was it. Since then i have wasted extactly 1 year and 28 days when we kissed to get her back.
Yesterday, she called me and told me that she wants to have fun with me but no names (label) on the relationhip. I love her, but that's not i want and i told her that i don't know what it means to have a no label relationship.
I want to forgive myself and start all over again. And this time NO LIES to any girl!!!
Still haven't learned...
It's been almost an entire year, since i wrote something here. Oh well, i am back and will be writing on more regular basis. Unfortunately, I still haven't learned my lesson as i tend to run behind lost causes and relationships. However, now no labels on the relationships and living to learn to love myself. In the process also want to eradicate and solve unsettled emotional issues from the past. It's said that i can relate to protagonist Alexi of the Gambler by Foyodor Dostovsky. I will be writing more on that topic.
till next time....
06/17/2010
Coquette?
I have lately got the feeling that she is a coquette. According to the Wikipedia a coquette is a woman who flirts girlishly with men to gain their admiration. She is perfect at keeping herself at distance and still leave a remark at you. Also, possesses the uncanny ability to say the right thing at the right moment to keep someone to cling on.
06/02/2010
is feeling navel and lonely....
I don't know what hit me today, the life i am living just have room for 1 person. I am not making any new friends and not hanging out with old friends. I have this cluster of thoughts running around my head and making me feel very uneasy and don't know who i can talk to actually. Alia ( the girl i am crazy about and the whole blog is about), i haven't seen a glimpse of her since may 21. I called her last Friday and she didn't picked up and haven't replied. It's Wednesday and everyone keeps telling me it's over, but i actually like her and hope she will miss me. I don't know what universe is trying to tell me or teach me: that may be before i met Alia i had clear focus for the future and was doing great financially too, thus no time for girls. I am feeling agitated may be i have wasted 6 months without actually studying for MCAT ( one of the most important test of my life). I have forgotten about my life and thinking more about this girl. My life is at a point where i am just waiting for things to fall in order for me to walk on. Life in simple words is stagnant right now and thus making me fell agitated. Nothing has gone my way at all. I need to just focus on getting into medical schools right now for this 1 year and not going crazy over this girl.
I am not truthful with myself and with everyone else too. It's the time like these when i feel very lonely and don't know what to do, that's when the lack of love and romance reminds how lonely I am. I think starting to tell the truth is a good start.
05/18/2010
Do you surf the Internet while you watch TV? What do you do or where do you go online in that time?
I have a bad feeling about this date on Friday with the girl i am crazy about. This is going to be a huge point in whatever my complicated relationship with her. Because after friday, we have no obligation to see each other. As the class will be over and i will be busy and she might take a vacation too. I hope we go out on this friday and many more afterwards.
Do you surf the Internet while you watch TV? What do you do or where do you go online in that time?
Lately to suppress my emotions, i have been drinking a lot. It gives me comfort and yesterday i had about 5 glasses of scotch and then i was feeling something. Before it use to be two glasses..)
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